Hiking Between Storms

Hiking between thunderstorms near Blowing Rock.

I haven't been feeling like myself this late summer. I've been a little sad and a generally anxious in a way that has stuck around for longer than usual. There's been such a lot of sad events happening both far away and near by that it feels like there's little hope. After about a month of this I'm starting to get the energy back to do more of the daily activities I want/need to do, so I hope feeling better, and feeling like myself, will follow.

I got a new seasonal/part-time job, and while I'm excited about it, a whole bunch of complicated emotions emerge when starting a new routine.

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Clubhouse Year

It's the 70th post and this month marks a one-year blogiversary. I'd like to thank you for reading, viewing, following, commenting. I hope it's been interesting for you, because this year was certainly interesting for me. Here are some highlights and things that happened this year (in no particular order):

❧ I learned a great deal about photography and our Nikon D3100. With practice, I grew comfortable shooting in manual mode.

❧ The most popular post this year - the one that received the most hits - was September's Purple Roses, featuring Mata Traders.

❧ We visited the coast of North Carolina and saw Cape Lookout.

❧ I embedded a piece from Tchaicovsky's The Seasons in one post every month. I love these reflective pieces for solo piano, they're so relaxing and really take me to another place. My favorite excerpt is Troika (November). What's yours?

❧ In October, my sister and I went to the Land of Oz, which is in North Carolina. Who knew?

❧ We had an incredibly brief but beautiful snow this year.

❧ George Gently, Sherlock, Call the Midwife, Poirot, Marple, Endeavour - I enjoyed lots of British TV this year. I may have a problem. We didn't go to the theater much, but we did see The Imitation Game on Christmas and thought it was incredibly moving. I also enjoyed The Theory of Everything.

❧ I enjoyed experimenting with night photography and long exposures.

❧ My husband and I played a lot of addictive Nancy Drew games. In fact, we just finished Sea of Darkness, which is one of our favorites so far - super puzzles, interesting story and characters. I've been playing these games since I was a kid. In fact, I think immersing myself in so many Nancy Drew puzzles actually helped me with my SAT at the end of high school. But somehow the older I get the more challenging these games become!

❧ There are times of year that stand out - April, when everything is in bloom, October, when the leaves are at their peak color, but I thought late summer was especially beautiful this year. The fields turned yellow with wildflowers and we had many lovely days.

❧ This year I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and panic disorder. Getting diagnosed with OCD was surprising and uncomfortable at first, but it explained so many things about my life - past and present. With medication and strategies learned in therapy, I'm in control of my life again and managing quite well. I haven't had a panic attack in months. I feel stronger after going through this experience and more comfortable with living with uncertainty. Seeking professional help was a difficult step, but absolutely worth it. You can learn more about OCD here.

Great little things are coming and I'm very excited. There's the autumn zine, I'm determined to write more this year, and there will be hats with even wider brims. ;-) We're going to be traveling soon and we're planning all kinds of adventures.

Thank you so much for reading. I cherish your comments so much. Here's to another year!

The Seasons, Op. 37b, Pyotr Il'yich Tchaikovsky

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Romance and Remembrance

I took out some of my grandmother's costume jewelry to photograph. Still life photography had been on the brain, and February is the perfect time for it since the weather makes it so difficult to get outside and experience nature. I don't think things are nearly as interesting as the story or people behind them, but looking at these pieces reminded me of my grandmother and her style. She passed away when I was sixteen after years of dementia, but I have some nice memories of her when I was very little. She tutored me in reading and writing, and she had a great sense of style. 

She loved brooches and large, gold-colored pieces. When I was about four she gave me her blue heart pendant and the silver sparkly brooch - and I think those pieces are least representative of her style. However the gold leaf brooch was all her. I remember her wearing a lot of autumnal colors and subdued animal prints along with pieces like this leaf brooch. A pair of gold or enamel clip-on earrings always complimented her ensemble. She seemed very comfortable in her style.

I wore my grandmother's faux pearls for my "something old" at my wedding. This Valentine's Day, I'm celebrating romantic love, but I'm also remembering the loved one who came before me (I'm wearing the blue heart pendant right now). Do you also see Valentine's as a time to appreciate all kinds of love?

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One Day, Little Girl...

I am a fairly private person, and this blog has always been about communicating with images more that with words, so I've asked myself, is there any point in revealing private pain? Does it have any place here? 

I think it does. I would like to let you know what's been going on. I have suffered from occasional panic attacks since 2010. Things got worse in 2013 when I had two surgeries to remove a benign - but aggressive - tumor from my breast. I would have a few good months, then a few bad ones. Things became unmanageable last November - when dark obsessions moved in permanently. Anxiety, panic and depression had locked my brain in a prison of fear and despair.

I don't really know why or how this happened, but in December, I was sure I needed help. I am currently in therapy and I also see a nurse practitioner for counseling and medication. My hope is to come out of this one day, and to come out stronger. I have new empathy for others who suffer from mental illness - especially those who live in rural areas where options for help are limited.

Many other bloggers I love have been candid about similar struggles, and I admire them for sharing - it lets me I know I'm not alone in this.

I am grateful to be getting help. I am grateful for my husband, who is patient, understanding and above all, loving. I may not be okay right now, but I believe I am on the right path. I don't have much advice to offer, but in my experience, reaching out and seeking help is a difficult but important first step. While I had the support of my family, I had to do a lot of my own research to find the people who could help me. It was very difficult, but worth it.

These photos are from the first hike we've taken in almost a month. Winter seems so bleak, but I know that spring is coming.

Thanks for your patience. I'm sorry I haven't responded to comments in a long time, but I appreciate every single one of them. My wish is to continue blogging here and make this space better than ever.

Much love,
Anna

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